


mind games, manipulations.

by charlatano



Category: Gossip Girl (TV 2007)
Genre: F/M, I just love blair healing, also LOTS of italics, because She deserved better, decided to change the tags, lots of projecting, mentions of abuse, not very chuck friendly, nothing necessarily graphic, potential tw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:01:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29040567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlatano/pseuds/charlatano
Summary: It was refreshing to be carefree for once, and not have to look over her shoulder all the time.
Relationships: Chuck Bass/Blair Waldorf, Dan Humphrey/Blair Waldorf, Dan Humphrey/Serena van der Woodsen, Nate Archibald/Dan Humphrey, Nate Archibald/Serena van der Woodsen, Serena van der Woodsen/Blair Waldorf
Comments: 46
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> just a random idea. actually I thought of this a couple days ago, but I didn't have the inspiration until now. so I suppose the inspiration is random, not the idea. its 6am. I just love this concept. remember that therapy is normal, and asking for help is not an indication of weakness.

> _❝ I don't want to be your cigarette_

_I don't want to be your ashtray_

_I don't want to be your door mat_

_Don't want to be ignored_

_All o' sudden you're not into me_

_And maybe it's not deliberate_

_And I know you never asked me_

_I just gotta put it out there_

_I don't put myself out there_

_Usually I stay tucked away_

_'Cause I was a loner until I met you_

_And I let you in after all the persuasion_

> _Mind games, manipulations. ❞_

Blair tossed and turned as she tried to sleep, finding it impossible to shut her brain off. As always, Dan was asleep soundly on the opposite side of the bed. At times she’d find herself staring at him, it would bring her some peace of mind to just know he’s there. Other times it was harder, and she’d have to will herself not to wake him up.

Most of the time she thought she was silly; she didn’t want to become codependent. This is because most of her relationships had relied on codependency (most, as in; Chuck). With Chuck, it was always about not being able to live without each other; the mind games, manipulations, headaches, allegations—it took Blair a while to truly comprehend the gravity of Chuck’s behavior and his effect on her emotional well-being. Or whatever a shrink would say… she might have done some research. No matter how much Blair believed Chuck to be the love of her life, she'd constantly find herself feeling hollow at the end of the day. Scheming could only hold them together for so long. She didn't like who was with him.

Regardless, her relationship with Dan represents the pure and simple love she always found difficult to achieve. It was so easy with him, because he truly understood her. He seems to have this weird mind-reading power where he knows exactly what she’s going to say before allowing it to slip out of her mouth, and he knows exactly what she wants before she asks. (They also have similar movements, which… gets a bit creepy at times). He not only sees her true self, but everything she wants to be, as well. He doesn't encourage her to be her worst, but rather coaxes her into being the best version of herself. It was refreshing to be carefree for once, and not have to look over her shoulder all the time.

Despite this, Blair still needed closure. Whether she likes it or not, she and Chuck happened. And it was big, dramatic, and draining, but it happened. She needs to heal for herself, by herself, without Dan’s help. Or anyone’s, for that matter. Because her recovery can be hers and hers only.

As her thoughts raced around in her brain, she almost shoved Dan awake. Keyword; almost. She was not about to do that, absolutely not. So instead she promptly, yet quietly, got out from under the covers and tip-toed to the kitchen. Perhaps some tea would help calm her mind.

She waited a few minutes for the kettle to boil, then poured herself the hot beverage.

Blair set the mug on the coffee table, dramatically flopping on the couch. _Is this a stupid idea?_

Meanwhile, Dan had abruptly woken up himself. This kind of thing wasn’t all that unusual for him, although no less annoying. The inconvenience became insignificant when he realized that Blair was no longer beside him. Part of him felt almost ridiculous for immediately worrying. _She’s probably just taking a piss or something._

It took him a minute to find the will to stand up, and another to rid his eyes of the sleepiness. He slipped on a hoodie given that he was no longer embraced by the warmth of his covers (or girlfriend). That pathetic concern washed away when he saw Blair laying on his (their) couch, staring at the ceiling. Her tea gone cold.

He grinned at the sight of her, simply because she looked so angelic no matter what she did, and slowly made his way towards her. “Blair? You okay?”

“Not really.” Blair replies honestly. There was really no point in lying— **she didn’t want to**. There was no need to be dishonest with him (not to mention that he sees right through the bullshit).

Dan let out a breath, gently moving her feet so that he could sit. He then placed her feet on his lap. “What’s the matter? Can’t sleep?”

“Not really.” She repeats. “I just have some things on my mind.”

“Care to share?”

Blair sat herself up so that she could face him properly, not before taking a sip of her tea. Well, ice tea now. “I’ve been, um—thinking a lot lately. About… healing, and stuff.”

“What are you getting at?” Dan’s emotions were once again in chaos, because he wasn’t sure whether to be concerned or not. 

“I think I want to go into therapy. Or like a support group, or whatever.”

Dan raises his eyebrows a tiny bit, though not in confusion. He wasn’t necessarily confused, he just hadn’t expected that to be her answer. He doesn’t respond, allowing her to speak further.

“I’ve been debating this for a while, actually, and I wanted to talk to you about it, but I couldn’t help but feel… _ridiculous_.”

“Why?”

“Well, I guess because Chuck had always made me feel guilty about the way he treated me. Therefore, now I feel—weak, because I want help.”

Dan’s face completely changes expressions, from shocked to sympathetic, and he sweetly places his hand upon hers, rubbing the back of it with his thumb. “Blair, asking for help is never weak.”

She nods.

“And, you know what, I’m glad you want therapy. Glad that you’re taking some initiative.”

“Really?”

He nods this time. There’s a beat of silence.

“I suppose i’m just scared. Like, what if I feel this way forever?” He knew exactly what she meant without her having to specify.

So he takes a deep breath. “You probably will.”

“Not helpful, Dan.”

“I’m just saying, Blair. Wounds heal, but they leave scars. You’ll never forget them. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t accept them.”

Blair sighs, and tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear, taking a minute to let all his words sink in.

“Let’s go back to bed.”

_❝ No I don't want to be your cigarette_

_Use me up then toss me, step on me_

_I don't want to be an option_

_Avoidin' interaction cause_

_I just want to get away_

_And maybe you got a full plate_

_Know I'm cookin' something better_

_But if you don't want me now_

_No boy I don't want you later_

_Don't try to come and eat with me_

_'Cause I was a loner until I met you_

_And I let you in after all the persuasion_

> _Headaches and allegations. ❞_


	2. headaches, and allegations.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blair didn’t care what because her head was trying to pound its way out of her skull. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when I had first wrote this, I wasn't expecting to write more, but here we are. I actually think this could go somewhere. I hope. I'm adding a tw for descriptions/mentions of domestic abuse just in case. I just got so fed up with the romanticization of this relationship.

**_“So why did you keep coming back to him?”_ **

**_“Because I thought he was all I could have.”_ **

* * *

The next morning, Dan woke up for the second time that morning, and once again—no Blair. However, Dan did not immediately set into panic this time. he knew he didn’t have to, because she’s fine! Or, at least as fine as she can be. _I slept soundly_ isn’t the way to put it, more of a _i slept somewhat okay knowing that you were safe next to me._ Yeah.

The messy haired Brooklynite made his way out of bed much more smoothly than before, expecting to see Blair outside of the room. Or perhaps a post-it note saying that she had gone out, to see Serena—or to shop. He knows retail therapy will always be her number one therapy, regardless whatever shrink she sees.

He slips on his usual, casual pair of jeans, paired with one of his many flannels. The ones that Blair pretends to hate but secretly loves.

The door opens with ease, and there she is, sitting on one of the stools in the kitchen, in front of her computer.

“Goodmorning!” She says, chipper. It’s not that Dan hated to hear this. In fact, her being happy was all he ever wanted to hear, it was music to his ears. it was just such a turn from how—despondent she had seemed hours ago.

“Hm.” He hums, a tired smile on his face. His fingers tug at the corners of his eyes as he goes to stand behind her, in good view of the computer screen. “What are you up to this morning?”

“Well, after I got—not sufficient sleep, but sleep nonetheless—I woke up... _refreshed_.” She explained, with exaggerated hand movements to match. _How cute_. “Therefore, I decided that I should get a move on. Take initiative, like you said.”

Dan scratches the back of his head, further messing up his curls, going to make himself a cup of coffee as he usual would. “Oh, so I reckon you are looking for your therapy?”

“Precisely, Humphrey!”

Blair still occasionally called him that. Whenever she did, Dan couldn’t help but think that maybe one day he’d have the opportunity to call her that too. He always pushes it aside though, cause no matter how sweet the fantasy—he knows that’s not what she needs at the moment. Whatever, he’s patient.

“I’ve chosen to put the fate of my emotional well-being into the hands Dr. Marini. She’s not even far from here, either.”

“You sure you want that? To put the fate of your emotional well-being into the hands of some disease ridden Brooklyn resident?” Tease, tease, tease—he takes a sip of his coffee, not even attempting to hide his smirk.

“Dan, I’m dating you; and god knows what diseases you carry in that—muppet hair of yours, or those unlaundered plaid shirts that you insist on wearing everyday.” Blair claps back with ease. “I think I’ll be perfectly fine.”

* * *

**_“But you said he made you feel like nothing.”_ **

**_“It’s precisely because he made me feel like nothing. Because he also made me believe that the only way I could be something, was by being with him.”_ **

* * *

Later into the day, around 2pm, Blair actually did go out to shop. Which, of course, is not uncharacteristic for the brunette.

Even less uncharacteristic was the fact that Serena was right there by her side. They say that buying away your problems is always more fulfilling with a friend by your side.

Regardless of the fun she was having, she was still nervous (even if she wouldn’t admit it to Dan. Or even herself, frankly). She had set her appointment with Dr. Marini earlier, and she still hadn’t got a word back. It was made increasingly more difficult with Chuck’s annoying voice in the back of her head telling her she was pathetic for doing this.

It was creepy how Blair could practically visualize Chuck walking beside her while she stared at all the designer clothes. He was wearing a suit, of course, made of only the finest of materials. It was a dark navy blue, with golden buttons, a bow-tie to match. (What can she say? She has an eye for fashion—even in her weird chuck visions). Chuck was staring at her in one of his default expressions, that being a mischievous smug smile, with the typical head-tilt he tends to do. He was staring at her, mocking her. Chuck does this with everybody, but especially her. It was no secret that Chuck loved to play around with Blairs head, and this remained true no matter how much he claimed to love her.

He has his hands in his pockets, and he—it, finally opens its mouth.

“You can’t be serious, Blair. What is sitting in a pathetic shrink’s office gonna do for you?”

“Go away, Chuck.” She responds. In her head, obviously.

Chuck remains smug. “Now, now, Blair, you know it’s never been that simple to get rid of me.”

Blair rolls her eyes, sighing loudly.

All of a sudden, Serena comes out of one of the changing rooms with an admittedly dazzling dress on, but—Blair had completely forgotten she was even there.

“So? What do you think?”

“It’s gorgeous, Serena. It’s you, how could it not?”

“Aw, Blair! Thank you, but... is there something wrong?”

“Oh! No, I just—“ her phone dings.

**_Your appointment with Dr. Marini has been approved for tomorrow at 3pm._ **

“Blair? Who is it?”

Serena pulled Blair out of her mind, her head comes back up to look at the blonde in the eye. “Oh, it’s—uh, it’s just my therapist!”

“Huh, I didn’t know you had one.”

“Well, i didn’t, like, two minutes ago. But here we are, I suppose.”

Serena sits herself down on one of the very fancy looking benches, sighing, though keeping her signature lighthearted aura. “I think I would benefit from a therapist, too.”

In all honesty, they all could probably use a couple sessions. What these kids have been through with relationships, family, and their careers—they are collectively, beautifully, messed up. Using their money, or their status as an excuse unfortunately no longer works anymore.

“S... you’re just coming to that realization now?”

* * *

“You must be my three o’clock appointment.”

Blair watched as the woman, who she assumed was Dr. Marini, sit down in the seat in front of the medium size sofa she was seated on. It was of a cream color, made with a material that Blair didn’t particularly like, but she’ll manage. She whispered back; “I am.”

“You said that you wanted to squeeze in the earliest possible appointment, suppose it’s pretty serious?”

Blair fidgeted, looking visibly uncomfortable. She made no effort to hide this fact, and she scoffed at the woman’s words. “Well, if it wasn’t pretty serious then I wouldn’t be seeking therapy for it, now would I?”

“Good point.” the doctor chuckled. “Alright, why don’t you begin explaining; why are you here?”

Blair remained silent for a long minute, looking to the side. Around the room, or literally anywhere besides the woman in front of her. She had been so confident the day before, but now there was no where to hide. “For closure.”

“Closure on what?”

“My relationship.”

The therapist adjusted herself in her seat as she prepared herself to write down notes for the session. “Relationship with who? What was the nature of this relationship that you require closure?”

“Uh…” The brunette hesitated. “I used to date this man, his name is Chuck. And our relationship was... _tumultuous_ to say the least.”

“Explain.” _Now how the hell am I supposed to do that?_

Blair had already started to get anxious and the session had barely started. She wanted to run, pretend that she had never willingly came here; pretend that she had never made an appointment, and forget all about her talk with Dan. Initiative her ass, because this is too much to handle. And once again, she can hear Chuck’s voice in the back of her head calling her weak, pitiful. She can see his stupid smug smile, he’s standing right in front of her. Towering over her. He isn’t saying anything (yet) but him simply being there is enough to rub Blair the wrong way.

“You see, we started dating in high school. Sort of. Dating is a strong word.” Blair sighed. “We started playing _games_ in high school.”

“Interesting. So you’ve been with each other for quite a while.”  
  
Blair nodded. “Yeah, he—took my virginity. And god knows he never failed to hold it over my head at the time. Things felt like they were becoming serious at a certain point, but we couldn’t stop playing games with each other. And even if I wanted to stop, he would withdraw.”

“Why?” The older woman crossed her legs, tilting her head.

“Because, he—didn’t like commitment. He was the school’s womanizer, therefore I suppose he didn’t want to hider his status. He also had trouble letting people in because of his father. Or, family situation in general.”

Slowly, Blair began to feel more comfortable with letting it out. Sure, there was still some underlying fear. Part of her felt like karma was going to get back at her for daring to open up.

“I tried to be as supportive as I could. And even if we still played games with each other, even if he would hit me with the meanest words—it didn’t matter because I loved him. Eventually, he gained the courage to say he loved me back. That’s all I needed.”

“Sounds to me that your relationship was a bit intense. And for teenagers, no less.”

Blair let out a dry chuckle at that statement; intense doesn’t even begin to cover it.

“But you said you needed closure. What happened?’

“Our relationship was never perfect, but it was ours. We faced a lot of ups and downs, but I always let him back in because I thought that our love for each other would always be enough. Until things started becoming violent.”

As soon as she said that, Blair heard Chuck—or rather her vision of him—start laughing. It wasn’t an outburst, not a loud kind of laugh; Chuck never laughed that way. It was a low, evil sounding cackle. She remembers when she used to pride herself on being able to get Chuck to laugh. Now she wants nothing but to un-hear it.

“First of all, he sold me for a hotel.” The therapist looked taken aback from that statement, but Blair didn’t further elaborate. “A little bit after that… he tried to hit me. It’s still burned into my memory, the way he looked at me before he did it, the sheer terror I felt when I heard his fist cut right through the glass.”

Blair stopped talking, rubbing her face with both hands. It was all very difficult to face. She had worked so hard to rid the memory of that night. It was nearly impossible to do so, though, when she can recall nearly every single detail. She remembers the dim-lit room. He was clearly drunk at the time, but that means nothing to her. She can remember him droning to her about some stupid _bullshit_ about how he needs her. Blair’s heard that many times, it had become repetitive.

**_You’re mine, Blair!_ **

She can still feel the way his hands grabbed her, it’s as if they stained her skin.

* * *

After her first session, Blair made her way back to the loft. It was empty because Dan was out with Nate. She hadn’t even bothered to take her coat off, and there she was laying down on the catch. She rubbed her forehead, feeling a headache coming on.

“That was quite the little talk you had there.” The peaceful silence was broken by this Chuck-vision that she can’t seem to shake. She had always been prone to seeing him in crowds, even when he wasn’t there, but he was never this animated. Surely it’s just her mind playing tricks with her. _It has to be karmic._

“I thought I told you to go away. Besides, this has to be the biggest invasion of privacy I’ve ever seen.”

“Oh, Blair, since when did I give a damn about privacy?”

Blair allowed her head fall back onto the arm of the couch, letting out a big dramatic sigh.

Right then and there, the door opened. Thank goodness. In came in Dan and Nate, they were laughing about something. Blair didn’t care what because her head was trying to pound its way out of her skull.

“Oh, hey, Blair, how you doin’?” Nate greeted her. “I heard about the news.”

“Hi, guys. I’m feeling, uh, pain. Headache.”

“You want an advil or something?” Dan spoke up.

“Why didn’t I think of that?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, there you. thank you for reading, would appreciate a kudos. or even a comment if you're feeling spicy.


	3. how does a sinner taste?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s kind of hard to walk from point A to point B when you’re drunk, and crying hysterically, though she made it work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really appreciate the comments and the feedback I've been getting. glad that who ever is reading out there is enjoying. the song used for this chapter was "To Feel Alive" by kali Uchis. funny how I keep using her songs, but they're just fitting. I'm already planning on using another one of her songs. If you have any suggestions, or legit anything, just let me know :)  
> also, I'm like... a sucker for domestic dair.

> **_ ❝  _ ** **_I loved you well, just for you to turn to an enemy_ **

**_I love the smell of you burnin' your last bridge with me_ **

**_I love it, yeah, I love it_ **

**_I love it, yeah, I love it_ **

**_Whatever makes you happy_ **

**_It's all that ever mattered_ **

**_And I was raised to give my thanks and hold my baby down (hold you down)_ **

**_That wasn't enough_ **

> **_No, it wasn't enough, 'cause it's never enough, never enough ❞_ **

* * *

After taking an Advil, Blair had decided to simply take a nap. She had never felt this exhausted before. Escaping Chuck by sleeping was futile, however, because he never failed to follow her in her dreams. At times these dreams would cause her to shoot up abruptly, drenched in sweat. She always declined to talk about it, and lucky for her Dan respected that. But now she’s thinking that she might want to say something about it in her next session.

It was about 4:40pm when she laid her head down, and Dan’s alarm clock read 6:37pm by the time she had woken up. Blair felt unbearably groggy when her eyes opened, which wasn’t an unusual occurrence for her when she took naps. Her eyesight was blurry, and her muscles ached. Once she spent at least fifteen minutes just staring at the ceiling, she tip-toed across the room to grab her laptop; she figured she might as well squeeze in some Audrey before someone would come to call her.

Unfortunately for Blair, at around 7:30 she heard a light knock at the bedroom door. Almost immediately, she dropped her head back down onto the pillow and pretended to be asleep. Dan peered through the door, furrowing his brows at the weird position she was in.

“Blair?” She remained unresponsive, not moving an inch. “Blair, I know you’re awake.”

“You can’t prove that.” She retorted, her voice muffled from the pillow.

Dan lets out a chuckle, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. “Come on, dinner’s ready. And Nate’s staying over, I hope you don’t mind.”

“I don’t feel like getting up.”

“Have you even eaten anything since this morning?”

Blair thought for a minute, pursing her lips. “Actually, no.”

“Alright, then, let’s go!” He exclaimed, clapping her knee.

Blair scoffed, acting displeased as usual, when in reality she was appreciative for how much care he showed. If she’s being honest, she’s never had something like that in her life. “Why must you be such a mother hen?”

He did not respond, and walked out the door. She followed close behind him, straightening out her pajamas, not bothering to change. It’s not like there was an audience, or an important guest, it was just Nate.

Dan had decided to make something simple, but filling; spaghetti.

——————

“So is your therapist nice?” Nate switched the direction of their rather mundane conversation.

“Yes, she is, if you must know.” Blair refrained from looking the blond in the eyes, twirling the pasta on her fork. “But I don’t feel like talking about it, thank you.”

“Okay. Have you spoken to Chuck recently?”

Both Dan and Blair simultaneously tensed up at the mention of Chuck. It isn’t as if the man had ceased to exist. He was still Serena’s step-brother, and a close friend of Nate’s. Deep down it had bothered Blair, but she wasn’t about to ask her friends to choose between her and Chuck.

Dan, on the other hand, often worried that it was only a matter of time until Blair ran back to Chuck. It may be selfish, and insulting, perhaps. But it almost happened before, and he didn’t know whether he would make it without her. He never told her about these thoughts, obviously. He likes to believe that maybe she already knows, without him having to say anything.

There was a long pause, and it made the situation very awkward. Nate, innocent as ever, stared at the couple confused until he resorted to looking down at his plate.

“I think the last time I actually spoke to Chuck was over a week ago. I try my best to ignore him.” Blair finally answered his question.

“Yeah, no, it’s just that Chuck’s been asking about you a lot.” Blair nods, already feeling her anger rising. Nate didn’t stop there, of course he didn’t. He’s always been kind of a clueless idiot like that. “I know you guys called it quits for good, but I at least thought you two could still be friends.”

“Get out.”

Nate chuckled dryly. “Alright, fine, I’ll stop talking.”

“No, I mean, like— _get out_.” The brunette points to the door. “Now!”

Nate still looked confused, and a little frightened. Blair could have that effect. He did not ask any further questions, grabbed his coat and practically ran out of the loft. Awkward silence settled once again, Dan didn’t dare break it. He had begun to understand a long while ago that there are moments when you talk, and moments when you shut up.

She ended up storming out, too.

* * *

“Why do you think he upset you so much?”

And, second session. It had been four days since Blair’s first. Apparently, Dr. Marini has her calendar full. Must be a pain in the ass having to listen to people complain for forty-five minutes as a profession, but it’s the life that she chose.

“Because, he was just—“ Blair cut herself off, rubbing her temples. “I’m just sick and tired of my friends always taking Chuck’s side. I’ve finally been able to break it off for good, and I don’t need the people around me to convince me to be with him. I mean, I’m finally in a stable relationship—I’m not going back to Chuck.”

“You telling me that, or yourself?”

Blair combed her fingers through her hair, knees pressed together while she maintained her less-than-appropriate posture. At least Eleanor wasn’t there to see her.

“Do you think that perhaps you don’t trust yourself?”

“Of course I don’t! I- I love Dan, I love what we have. But I’m scared that one day, Chuck is gonna come and find a way to reel me in. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

* * *

“Where are you going?” Of course he was back. Of course her weird Chuck vision would decide to show up now of all times.

She had no idea where she was going, that’s why she was here at almost 9pm walking aimlessly through the streets of Brooklyn. “Not now, Chuck!”

“Nathaniel was just being a good friend. Besides, he was right.” _Not-Chuck_ takes a short pause. “You’re terrified because you know we’re destined to be together. So, now you’re pretending not to care, slumming it with Humphrey, being all domestic like you’re going to get married or something.”

“Just shut up.”

“Make no mistake, Blair, you are mine. Always have, always will be.”

Now she really felt like punching him. Although, she can’t, because the man in front of her was just a figment of her imagination. She wasn’t going to let herself completely lose her mind.

Blair decided to stop at the first bar she came across. It was grimy, and disgusting in general, but she couldn’t find it in her to care. She ordered shot, after shot, after shot. And all the while, Chuck sat next to her in complete silence.

She can recall all the times that he had gotten drunk, spat venom in his words that he probably would have said regardless of sobriety levels. He was just more sloppy when under the influence, yet horrid nonetheless. While the alcohol may have silenced Chuck, it was unsuccessful in stopping her train of thought. She didn’t need to visualize him in order to hear all the bad things he had said to her in the past, all the hurtful things he had done to her. To feel his hands on her. Suddenly, she felt grimier than the bar itself.

* * *

“I actually keep having this recurring dream.”

“Keep going…”

If Blair told her younger self that in just a few years, she would find herself sprawled on a therapist’s sofa—In Brooklyn, no less—she probably would have tried to destroy her own life. Frankly, she almost did, and all on her own. But she also can’t imagine what it would have been like if Blair’s life had gone exactly as she thought it would as a teenager. Being married to Nate Archibald, never having knowledge of Serena’s affair. Maybe life could have been easier that way.

“It starts with me in a dim-lit room, I’m calling out for Chuck. Then he suddenly shows up behind me and starts choking me. He… pulls me to the ground and is on top of me.”

“Has he ever tried to choke you in real life?” Dr. Marini kindly interrupts.

“Um, no.” Blair replies quietly, continuing. “Well, as I’m on the ground—losing oxygen—I see all my friends and family walking around me. One by one I lay my eyes on them, and they’re emotionless. Like they want this to happen. And then the dream ends there.”

The therapist inhales, waiting a second to respond. “That seems… intense.”

Again, _intense_ is an understatement.

* * *

It was almost 11pm by the time she set off on her long walk to the loft. It’s kind of hard to walk from point _A_ to point _B_ when you’re drunk, and crying hysterically, though she made it work.

Upon entrance, she heard Dan talking to an unknown person over the phone, and she could somewhat make out his face through her blurry vision.

He seemed worried as ever, and if she was more sober, she would probably feel guilty. When he tried to embrace her, she shoved him away. “Get off me.”

“Blair, did something happen while you were out?”

“Oh, stop acting like you care.” She attempted to swallow her tears. God, this was so embarrassing. Chuck was right, she is pathetic. Maybe he was the only one who could truly see it. “You don’t care, no one does!”

Dan kept his voice low, barely above a whisper. He gently placed a hand on hers. “Of course I do, please, sit down. You’re not in your right mind.”

Again, she shoved him away. “No, stop that! I am not crazy!”

“I never said you were! Just, please, Blair, let me help you!”

“Oh, you mean like how you helped me stay with Chuck? We have a _magnetic force_ or whatever bullshit you told me? It’s all crap!”

Now, he was no longer silent. “I have always made my stance on Chuck clear. I told you—directly to your face—that all you two had were excuses. You didn’t listen to me, what could I have done? It isn’t like Serena, Nate, or anybody else would have been much help.”

Blair let out a frustrated whine, wiping her eyes, and her nose. Once she managed to compose her self, she walked past him. “You sleep on the couch tonight.”

And _slam_ goes the bedroom door.

* * *

“It really hit me when he told me that. But I think it was because… he was right. Me and my friends, we talk about being a family. And I’ve done a ton of dishonorable things that I regret, but… It was all there right under my nose. Under their noses! And they did absolutely nothing. They encouraged me countless times to stay with him, go back to him! Is it bad to say I resent them for it?”

“It’s not bad at all, Blair.” Her therapist had a sympathetic look on her face, as if she was truly understanding what she was explaining. “Committing dishonorable actions doesn’t mean that you deserve to be abused.”

Blair brought her knees up to her chest, feeling oddly small. Like a little kid. She had her fair share of tantrums when she was little, though he had never been allowed to be as vulnerable as she is right now. The more her thoughts raced, and the more the woman’s words sunk into Blair’s skull—she started to cry. She tried desperately to hold it back, how embarrassing. Not that anything she’s said in these sessions was any less embarrassing.

“It’s okay to cry, Blair.”

* * *

At 8am the next morning, Blair woke up. She had immediately passed out. It might have taken a little push, but at least she got a full 8 hours of sleep. She straightened out her bra, and flattened out her bed-head before going out of the room.

There he was, sleeping soundly on the couch, just like she had told him to do. The memories of the night prior had already came back a couple minutes after waking.

She sat cross legged on the coffee table, which she definitely wouldn’t have done if she was in any other state. She gave Dan a slight tap on the arm.

Regaining consciousness, he sat up, staring wearily at her.

Blair inhaled, then exhaled. “I’m sorry.”

* * *

> **_❝ All of the things I've lost, all I can do is love_ **

**_'Cause I'm a rebel, baby, I don't play like I should_ **

**_You held the shovel baby, buried me in the dirt_ **

**_I never been a saint baby, how does a sinner taste?_ **

**_Don't believe what I read, got my own mind to think_ **

**_Guess I'm a misfit baby, they won't have all of me_ **

**_I'm not the perfect pretty girl up on the magazine_ **

**_With no opinions, she'll just smile and wave_ **

> **_She'll never show her heart and they'll all call her brave ❞_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed this one. I honestly don't have a clear idea of where this story is going. It's just a lot of feelings, venting, and frankly--projecting. but I'm happy to just go to the flow with it, because the number one thing I promised myself when I first got AO3 was that I'm writing for ME. I am not beholden to anybody.


	4. so close I could smell his cologne.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Nate would prefer being around people like Chuck, that’s not her problem. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, we're back! god I feel SO much inspiration for this story, I genuinely believe this is the best place (mentally) I've ever been in with my. writing. I'm glad people are enjoying this structure, and the primary story which is; Blair going to therapy (and in general, her recovery). we finally see (read) Chuck in the flesh, how... wonderful (-ly revolting).  
> Hope you enjoyed this one, stay tuned for more. I appreciate all the comments and excellent feedback I've been receiving.  
> also, there's a part of me scared that I'll get some minuscule details wrong (now or in the future) because truthfully i haven't finished the series,,, wow. if there are any... wrong details, you know why. 
> 
> The song used for this chapter was "Solita" by guess who? Kali Fucking Uchis.

> **_❝ Well, I got a feeling_ **

**_These scars won't ever look like they're old news_ **

**_If I let you keep on_ **

**_Rubbin' salt into all my open wounds_ **

**_I wish I could keep everything_ **

**_That you took of me but the photos_ **

**_But you keep a piece of me_ **

> **_Locked in a secret spot we called home ❞_ **

* * *

“Alright, well, I may or may not have seen Chuck yesterday. And actually spoke to him. Had a conversation with him that wasn’t in my head, which is—refreshing in a way.”

“How did it make you feel?”

That’s a good question. She knew she would not be able to 100% eliminate Chuck from her life. No matter how much it may have upset her, he was in her circle whether she liked it or not. What Nate said, though, did remain in her thoughts for a while.

** _but I at least thought you two could still be friends._ **

She’s not sure she’s ever truly been friends with Chuck in the first place. He never knew how to properly be in a relationship, let alone a friendship. He surely had a knack for making everything some dramatic, life or death event. In turn, she had kind of become the same. She’d always been dramatic to some degree, but she lost sight of what she wanted from love.

“How did it make me feel? So many things at once; terrified, disgusted, uncomfortable, and a little sad too.”

Perhaps movies weren’t all that different from reality. Because when she laid eyes on Chuck, all her memories with him flashed before her eyes; all the bad, and even the good. She won’t deny that there were enjoyable moments with the great Chuck Bass. But she’s come to realize that the good does not outweigh the bad.

* * *

Despite herself, Blair had accepted Serena’s request to hang out. She still felt guilty for blowing up at Dan, and a little for Nate as well. That boy is a little too clueless for his own good. Though, she hasn’t spoken to him. She avoided him like the plague, basically giving him the same treatment as she gave Chuck. Perhaps it was deserved, she doesn’t know. If Nate would prefer being around people like Chuck, that’s not her problem.

Back to the subject of Serena, she was upset at her too. She had always thought of Serena as a true sister, someone that would be present in her life for all eternity, in whatever way she could. She forgave her for sleeping with Nate back in high school, helped her with the whole Georgina ordeal. When Serena fell apart, Blair was there to pick up the pieces, put her back together piece by piece until she fully resembled her sunshiny-self. Likewise, she assumed that Serena did the same for her. Always there to lift her spirits when Chuck made her forget how to be happy. Then again, she realized that Serena always taking Chuck’s side was not very sisterly.

With Blair’s care, came her envy. Serena was an easy person to envy; tall, blonde, carefree. Boys easily fell to her feet, and everything was handed to her on a silver platter. She promised _what’s you is me_ but it was always satisfying to have something Serena couldn’t attain. At times she became obsessed with one-upping the blonde, she would not settle for second best.

That jealousy has long disappeared, and now she’s sure it would never creep back up. Blair may be haunted by Chuck, maybe even forever. But learned she doesn’t want to live like Serena.

They had done the same activities they always do; shop for the latest designer, eat pastries, and even check a gossip girl blast here and there. Once it started to become late afternoon, Serena begged Blair to sleepover. Serena always had a thing for still behaving like a teen while being an adult, so Blair wasn’t very surprised. Again, despite herself, Blair agreed. What’s the harm in giving in to Serena’s impulses? It was only one night.

Exiting the elevator, Blair decided then and there to send all of her decisions to hell, because there he was. The man who had plagued her; Chuck. He was speaking with Lily, about god knows what—it’s not her concern anymore. Not that it was necessarily an odd sight, Lily does happen to be Chuck’s adoptive mother. No matter how much she resented him, she wasn’t going to take that away from him.

She remembers telling him that she would always be his family. It puts a frown on her face.

When Chuck and Blair locked eyes, the tension in the air kept growing. “Oh, Blair… Didn’t know you’d be here.”

Blair instinctively wiped the frown off her face and maintained a blank expression. “Well, I am.”

“I- I’m going upstairs. I’ll wait for you.” Serena said quickly, walking up the stairs, Lily right behind her.

Silence stretched for a while, until Blair swallowed and became the first to break it. “So, um… how are you doing?”

“Let’s not do this, Blair.” He dodged her question, speaking in his usual condescending tone. How did she ever find that attractive?

“Do what?”

“This useless exchange of pleasantries, it’s a waste of time. We’ve never really been about that, have we?”

“I don’t want anything to do with _what we’ve been about_ , chuck.” She replied mockingly.

Chuck adjusted his suit jacket. “You say that, but you don’t really mean it. You and I both know how this story ends.”

“Hopefully it ends with me assassinating you.” And she has, many times in her dreams; the good ones.

The tiniest amount of a smirk grows on Chuck’s face. “You don’t actually want me gone, how would you manage?”

“I’d manage perfectly. In fact, I’ve been doing just fine without you on my ass all the time. In more ways than one.” Blair resorts to her usual defense, which is snark and snide comments, never allowing her cold front to come down. Not that being snarky wasn’t her regular form. With this man it’s different, because she might actually end up with blood on her hands.

“Yeah, I bet living in Brooklyn is real enjoyable. Complete with powerless striver.”

Blair sighs at this, letting out a breath that she had been subconsciously holding in. Dear Lord, was he exhausting. She never passed up a challenge, _ever_ , but this truly wasn’t worth the headache. Her therapist had told her that if she wanted to move past Chuck, she needed to stop engaging.

She did not say goodbye to him, she simply walked up the stairs to reach Serena’s room.

The blonde looked up from her phone when she heard Blair huff and flop onto the bed. Her brows were raised. “Everything alright?”

Blair sits upright on the bed. “Would you still be my best friend if I went to jail for murder?”

“I mean… you still were when I thought I would.”

“I guess you have a point.” Blair goes to sit directly next to Serena. “I probably should have told you this earlier, but please don’t mention me going to therapy to Chuck. He didn’t say anything about it downstairs, so that means Nate didn’t tell him. Make sure he doesn’t.”

“Don’t worry, B, I got you covered.”

Blair pursed her lips and nodded.

“Also, why aren’t you speaking to Nate, anyway? He didn’t give me any details, just said that you kicked him out of the loft.”

“I’ve just finally opened my eyes, and I see everything so damn clearly.”

* * *

“I didn’t tell Serena how I felt. I don’t want this to become a revenge thing.”

“Why would it be about revenge? Blair, it’s clear that one of the main reasons you haven’t been able to fully move on from Chuck is because you’ve always been denied your feelings.”

Blair huffs. “I don’t know, I guess in the past, revenge was always my first instinct. If I felt someone wronged me, then I would do anything in my power to destroy them. I suppose I still do that now, sometimes, but—it can become very exhausting. I don’t want my healing to be about scorched earth.”

“Basically you don’t want to estrange the people in your life, you just want them to understand your pain, and validate you.”

Blair nodded, because the woman had accurately described everything that she wasn’t able to express. She’s not going to run away from her family and friends (although it might be the healthier choice). All she wants from them is empathy, for them to understand her and support her without conditions. She wasn’t about to give them too much credit, given half the time they were the source of her misery. Sure, they all knew no different, since their families were all about conditions. Enough excuses, though.

“Do you think maybe you should talk to Serena, though? No yelling, but miscommunication seems to be the root of a lot of relationship issues.”

Blair shakes her head in disapproval. “No, I- I don’t think miscommunication is the problem, necessarily. Because there were many times I made my feelings clear, and people just didn’t care enough to respect that.” She takes a very short pause before resuming. “And, alright, I’ll admit there were many times I did the same thing to others, and not just my friends. But at least I’m self-aware, right? At least I’m acknowledging that I had to change my ways? Plus, I don’t recall encouraging people to be in abusive relationships!”

Dr. Marini sighed, clicking her pen. _Up, down, up, down._

* * *

The loft was silent, and empty, apart from Dan being inside it. His laptop was placed on the kitchen counter, a cup of coffee next to it, and his screen; blank. He had been trying to write for at least two hours but he was completely, and utterly, _uninspired_.

He wasn’t going to write a sequel to _Inside_ any time soon, and there’s only so much originality that comes with _95-pound, doe-eyed, bon-mot tossing, label-whoring packages of girly evil_ type characters. He could write about Blair all day (he does) but he wishes that he could write more than what he knows. Though, every damn story he comes up with includes watered down copies of his Upper East Side friends. Not to mention that his character naming skills were even worse than his actual writing.

**_Selena… Van Drew._ **

**_Cher… Langford._ **

**_Nathan… Archer._ **

**_David… Hughes._ **

**_Archie… Basso._ **

He might as well just keep their real names and save everybody a lot of grief.

He probably would have stayed there another two hours blankly staring at an empty page, until—lucky for him—he got a phone call. From Nate.

Dan stoop from his seat, needing to move around. “Hey, man. What’s wrong?”

“There has to be something wrong? Can’t I just call for the hell of it?”

“I’d say yes, but you _are_ best friends with the biggest bullshit artist on the planet.”

“Oh, you mean you?” Nate laughed.

“I- fuck you.” Dan laughed as well, composing himself quickly. “But, seriously, what is it?”

“Ugh, it’s Blair. She hasn’t been answering my texts, so I was wondering if you could maybe apologize to her on my behalf?”

“Or, maybe, I don’t know… come find her?” Dan replies sarcastically.

“That sounds terrifying. So I guess you won’t do it?”

“Absolutely not.” Dan placed his now empty coffee cup in the sink, exhaling. “Listen, man, just don’t talk about Chuck around her, alright? It makes her uncomfortable, and it’s not good for her recovery.”

Nate frowns, although his friend on the other end cannot see it. “I get it. Suppose I’ll apologize to her personally whenever I get the chance.”

“You do that. Anyways, I’m gonna go—write. ‘Cause that’s what I was doing. Before you called.”

“Oh, any progress? Do I at least have my own character this time?”

"You're not seriously still crying over that?"

* * *

> **_❝ Rooted in your ways_ **

**_You won't ever know, you won't ever stay_ **

**_Who I am today, the roots of my soul_ **

**_Now I need to face_ **

**_My demons alone_ **

**_So close, I could smell his cologne_ **

> **_He asked me why I'm all alone ❞_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go, hope you enjoyed. Again, comments and kudos are appreciated. If you have any suggestions, or whatever, don't be afraid to share. (:


	5. hope you pin me to the wall like a painting.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Comforting heat turned into dangerous UV rays that threatened to give her some kind of skin cancer at any moment. Or in milder cases, a sunburn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally back at it. took a few days to regain my inspiration, but here we are.   
> you know, I'm always afraid of certain inaccuracies, like in terms of plot or location. I have never been to NY, but my mom is from Brooklyn (hoping that I move to NY by the end of the year). But then I remind myself that this is a fan fiction based on a show that ended like nine fucking years ago. so. there's that. 
> 
> I hope y'all know that half of this shit is just me projecting..........anyways. oh, and to those mfs who said I need therapy... y'all so right. I mean, wbk. 
> 
> the song used for this chapter is "I want war (BUT I NEED PEACE)" by Kali Uchis. bet you couldn't guess that.

> **_❝ Time too precious and my patience thin_ **

**_My mind and my soul is the weapon_ **

**_And every failure was a lesson_ **

**_It's time to stop blocking these blessings_ **

**_See, I just wanna grow into my greatness_ **

> **_I wish I had the time that you've taken ❞_ **

* * *

“It was so much easier when I thought Chuck was my only problem.”

“Okay, but, you never thought he was your only problem.”

“Alright, I suppose I have—a multitude of problems.”

Over the span of a few sessions, Blair had found herself opening up to Dr. Marini as if she were a diary. Blair had owned diaries before, but never this messy. Could be because she was always paranoid someone would read it, so she usually wrote the tame and mundane parts of her mind. Most of the time, anyway. She always had a certain reputation to uphold, so she became good at regulating the amount of raw emotion she displayed, and only showed herself to her closest friends.

* * *

Most of the time these days, Blair found herself waking up in Dan’s bed, which had long grown familiar to her. Cotton sheets obviously weren’t going to convince her to give up her fancy sleepwear. Every time she opened her eyes, she would be met by sunlight coming through the blinds, irritating sounds of construction, and the heat radiating from his body like a furnace.

Sometimes, it brought her comfort; it made her feel safe, to have someone keep her warm and away from the coldness of the world (a coldness she often embodied). She’d lean into it, causing his stubble to scrape against her skin. Other times—as of recent—it brought her anything but.

Blair would open her eyes, blinded by the same sunlight, deafened by the same construction or street noise, and suffocated by the same warmth. Comforting heat turned into dangerous UV rays that threatened to give her some kind of skin cancer at any moment. Or in milder cases, a sunburn.

She didn’t know precisely where it started, but all of a sudden, she found herself being annoyed at everything he did. At first she figured it was her typical annoyance, because he had always been prone to running his mouth, or trying so hard to keep his tortured artist act. How he would snap back at her with the most sardonic tone, yet simultaneously sounding painfully disinterested. She knew that in the past he had always found some sort of joy in white-knighting Serena, and in turn, she now faces full brunt of it. She might have liked it, if she were who she used to be. While Blair would praise herself for being an independent woman, she also always held unrealistic views on what romance is.

When he spoke, she found herself wanting to shut him up. And not in the cute way in which she’d kiss him to get him to stop talking.

When he tried to take her scars away, using the softest voice that he could muster, all that grew within her was rage.

When she stared at his cartoonish facial features. How he was very animated when he spoke, waving his veiny hands around and widening his eyes. 

When he would tell her about his latest book ideas, or complain about having nothing to write, she would pretend to be interested and let her mind drift to anything else. She couldn’t help but think how wonderfully uncreative he could be. Some writers wrote with nothing but their souls at their disposal, meanwhile he couldn’t even think of a creative variation of Blair that wasn’t _Clair_. _Couldn’t even bother to put a damn **E** at the end._

Sometimes, Blair thought that he was way too desperate for his own good. Dan was very much the type to wear his heart on his sleeve, and this allowed people to easily rip into him, including Blair. And she did, many times. Back in her teenage years, she easily ridiculed him for things as insignificant as his class. It definitely was not uncharacteristic for Blair Waldorf. Problem now, contrasting the past, is that she actually cared about him. Maybe even cared about his stupid feelings, too.

Her anger would boil, and she would blurt out things that she wished remained locked away. He would react as he always did; smile, or even laugh. But she could see when the grins faltered, and his eyes would fill with concern.

They sat for lunch at some restaurant in the Upper West Side. The day had been rather mundane. They woke up; same sunlight, same construction, same suffocation. Blair didn’t exactly have a desire to come, preferring activities like staying at home and having a movie marathon. But when Dan had asked her, she felt she couldn't decline. Therefore, she reluctantly got herself dressed in her signature intricate yet _I just threw this on_ kind of style. She straightened her hair, and applied a natural makeup look. If Blair was any other person, she probably would have put significantly less effort.

Blair poked at her food, not even trying to fake an appetite. Her left elbow was on the table—manners thrown out the window—and she held her head up by her hand. All around her were people eating. Which should be no shock since it’s a restaurant. Unknown lives floated around her, worlds that she would have no problem stepping on if they weren’t such a good distraction from her current dilemma.

“Are you okay?”

She gave a simple “Mhm.” as a response, not feeling all that talkative. She figured that if she just said nothing, everything would be okay and that these feelings would just fade on their own.

“Blair, look at me.”

Both her eyes shifted in order to make contact, meanwhile the rest of her body barely moved an inch. On his face was the same concerned look, wide eyes, hand reaching over the table to rest on hers. She promptly pulled her hand away, balling her fist.

Dan sighed due to this, adjusting himself in his seat. “Blair, whatever is wrong, we can fix it -“

“No, you can’t fix it, you can’t fix me, and the sooner you accept that, the better it will be for both of us!”

“I’m not trying to fix you, I want to help you.”

“Really? And how’s that going for you?”

* * *

When Serena told Blair that Lily was throwing a charity gala at the _Tribeca Rooftop_ , it was no surprise. It seemed that the people around her—including her—were throwing a gala, or simply an event, every other day. It was difficult to keep up with, at this point. What even was this charity Lily was supporting? Frankly, Blair didn’t care enough to find out. She was just ready to wear the latest designer piece that caught her eye, exchange pleasantries with a bunch of people she wouldn’t remember the day after, and endure whatever drama the universe would bestow onto all of them. Lord knows that God never failed to stir something up in the Upper East Side, even if he probably had poverty to solve, and—World Peace to achieve, or whatever.

There was music playing in the background, with incoherent chatter at the forefront. Dozens of people were scattered around the venue, drinks in hand. She and Dan hardly spoke a word on the taxi ride there, so she gladly left him to spark up conversation with Rufus and Lily, while she went over to Nate and Serena.

Nate straightened awkwardly once Blair was in his line of view, and then directly in front of them. “Oh, hi, Blair. I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you -“

“Stop it right there.” She cuts him off. “Just forget about it, okay? I’m still upset about it, but that will be dealt with elsewhere.”

“Okay, then, if you say so.”

Serena then put herself in the conversation by changing the subject. “Um... the weather, am I right?”

Nate and Blair looked at one another for a minute before laughing at their friend’s lousy attempt at breaking the tension. Or, perhaps not so lousy, after all.

"So, both of you are still single, right?"

"Yup." Nate sighed. "Not gonna lie, I like it. It gives me time to focus on myself."

"Lord knows you need it." The brunette quipped, knowing they wouldn't take it personally. She knew that Nate and Serena were preaching _the single life_ , but she wouldn't be surprised if they just ended up dating each other in the end. And probably break-up two months after that; old habits die hard. 

The three friends caught up on everything for a while, eating food that was handed out to them and drank champagne. Eventually, however, Nate went his own way and left the girls on their own. The sun had already started to set, and Lily gave some speech—neither paid attention.

Serena stared at Blair, tracing the outline of her glass with her index finger. If she were to be honest, she would say she felt kind of odd around Blair. They would do the same things they always did, and in those moments she was able to forget all the negative. But then the thoughts came back, and deep down; Serena was jealous of Blair. The tables surely have turned since that day when Serena returned from boarding school. She was now single, still was lost in a sea of opportunity, and all the while had to watch the love of her life fall hopelessly for her best friend. Perhaps, Serena finally understands what Blair felt when she discovered about her affair with Nate. Perhaps, Serena finally understands how Blair has felt her entire life.

“Hey, remember when you were jealous of me?”

Blair’s head quickly shot up. “Excuse me?”

Serena was far from intoxicated, but she felt oddly vulnerable. “I think we kind of role-reversed.”

“Why would you be jealous of me?” Blair typically would have replied with something confident, _of course you’re envious of me_ , but she decided to refrain.

“Because you have everything I want; the career, the guy, the strength. You’ve always been the stronger one out of _S and B_.”

Blair felt conflicted in her emotions. She didn’t know whether to be upset at what the blonde was saying, be sympathetic, or even _flattered_. Is all of the above an option? Then again, Serena was prone to things like this, saying what's on her mind, completely unaware of how it sounded. Soul full of adventure, yet decidedly indecisive.

“It isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, S.”  
  


* * *

“It honestly feels like I’m in such a weird position.”

“Why?”

Sitting on that sofa every time she had an appointment could truly be an excruciating experience. Because no matter what you say, the therapist will always find a way to coax more out of you. “Like, I don’t know—where do my relationship go from here? I pay you to _fix_ my problems!”

“No, you pay me to help you _understand_ your problems.” The doctor replied, not missing a beat.

The brunette rolled her eyes, and crossed her arms. “Semantics.”

“Blair, bottom line is, you’re never gonna stop having these issues. I know that may sound unhelpful, but it’s true. You’re going to experience positive times, negative times, and you may even slip into old habits. But you just have to look at yourself and say, _and I am okay with that_.”

“But is it normal to feel this way? I know Dan cares about me, but it feels like he’s pressuring me. I’m not sure what he’s pressuring me to do, exactly, but it feels that way.”

“Well, you surely have a history of basing your worth on your relationships. Maybe, you just don’t want it to end up that way this time.”

* * *

> **_❝ 'Cause I got needs, yeah, I got needs_ **

**_I want war, but I need peace_ **

**_And they kept on calling me crazy_ **

**_But maybe that's how God made me_ **

**_Take a look at what you made me_ **

> **_Calling me crazy, that's what you made me ❞_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all love to @xalonelydreamerx thanks for my peace of mind, bae.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed. dan&blair is very special to me, so I'm glad to have my second official AO3 work dedicated to them. the lyrics at the beginning and at the end (as well as the title) are lyrics from "loner" by kali uchis. very good song, and rather fitting for chair.


End file.
